Tears of an Angel
by Jeannie-Mckay
Summary: Tag for 'Tao of Rodney', a scene they never included. Also, an AU ending. ONE SHOT


Title: Tears of an Angel

Rating: T

Summary: A tag to 'Tao of Rodney' (yes I know it's rather late xD) and an AU ending to the episode. I was watching 'Tao' the other day and realised that there's a scene missing, one that I feel would make that episode even better.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with the Stargate franchise, if I did I would be rather rich at this moment in time.

Author's Note: I really wanted to write this piece, because I felt this scene needed to be in the episode and sadly it wasn't. Rodney went around to almost everyone of his friends, trying to make amends and yet this was kept out, it could have been a truly beautiful and poignant scene. As I wrote it I decided I wanted to give it an AU ending as well, and I wanted this ending to mirror that of a later episode...maybe even hinting to it.

Please let me know what you think, as comments are always appreciated.

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_Cover my eyes, cover my ears._

_Tell me these words are a lie._

It had only recently dawned on him that he was going to die. Of course he'd thought it was a possibility from the offset, but he was Rodney McKay, he always came up with an answer at the end, when it seemed impossible. This time, however, nothing was coming to him. His brain was expanding at an alarming rate, his intelligence increasing with every hour but none of his new found knowledge could help him to do the one thing he craved. To live. Elizabeth had tried to get him to ascend, even went so far as to get Sheppard involved to help him, but so far his help had been about as wonderful as a hole in the head. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn't clear his mind, it remained, stubbornly, full of ideas, possibilities and thoughts. How were you supposed to just shut off your thoughts? How was that even possible? It shouldn't be, not for a normal human being.

During his last session with the Colonel he'd given up, deciding that if he was going to die he'd better do it with a clear conscience. Yes, maybe the idea of 'clearing his burden' had caused this change of mind, but also the thought of dying without making right all the wrongs he'd made so far in Pegasus was just plain horrible. People had befriended him, somehow he'd let them through the small chinks in his armour and they'd implanted themselves in his life, unmovable. Like weeds. He couldn't leave them all without letting them know what they meant to him, in his own unique way. He'd already visited Radek, Teyla, Ronon and Elizabeth, doing simple things that he hoped made them realise how much he admired them. Everyone on this expedition was truly amazing and he'd felt honoured to be counted amongst them, he just wished that he'd realised this all before now. He had never made friends easily, had always preferred to be the lone genius rather than one of the popular crowd, and then he'd come here and somehow people had warmed to him.

There were two people he had left to see now, Carson and John, the latter of whom he'd talk to during their next meditation class. In all fairness, just going back to those stupid sessions of lying on his back and trying to get his brain activity to lower should count as his good deed. However, he wasn't entirely sure that Sheppard would like his excuse…then again, just trying to do something nice for the Colonel was going to be hard enough! Sheppard was rather like himself, both disliked sharing their feelings and both liked to remain aloof. Still, that problem could be dealt with later on, for the moment he had to focus on Carson.

Slowly he walked through the corridors of Atlantis, his brain whirring not just because it was ever-expanding but thinking through what he was going to say to one of his best friends. He knew that Carson was doing everything he possibly could to try and save him, but Rodney was sure that there wasn't a lot his favourite voodoo medicine man could do. Maybe they were fighting a losing battle? Wouldn't it just be easier for them all to give up? After all, he wasn't a great man, his only feats were the occasional scientific discovery, but even those had often caused more harm than good, why did anyone want to save him in the first place? Yes, he valued his own life very highly, but that didn't mean he wasn't beginning to realise that maybe he was not exactly the best thing to ever have happened to the Atlantis expedition. Did this mean he was growing up? Two years ago he adamantly believed that he was the best scientist here, the only one who could do anything worthwhile, so either his confidence had been severely knocked by Duronda or he was maturing. Becoming an actual human being. Yes, there were things that sounded wrong with that one sentence, if he could have done such things as he had done in the past then he couldn't have a conscience. It was true that he tended to put work first, thought that discoveries and achievements were more important than most things but that did not mean that he wasn't human. He felt a pang of sadness when someone died, hell, he'd even cried several times and the guilt of every wrong decision haunted his steps.

Shaking his head slowly he turned a corner and found himself at his destination. The Infirmary seemed relatively quiet, thankfully no missions had gone wrong recently and every time he'd been forced in here after that stupid Ancient device had decided to force him into ascension it had been him and only one or two others. A part of him wished he could go back to the time when he hadn't known that this whole ordeal would end with his death, it had only been a while ago when he'd been quite happy to have superpowers. Now, however, everything had changed. Elizabeth was desperately trying to get him to ascend, with Sheppard's help but it was pointless. He couldn't just shut off his brain and to be completely honest, he really didn't think he was good enough to join the Ancients. Yes, they'd had their faults, he knew they weren't perfect but the whole idea of ascension made him feel unworthy of such a gift. This really was a bad time to lose his self-esteem.

Rodney took a deep breath before entering the infirmary, glancing around he saw a number of empty beds and one or two nurses wandering around doing…something or other. Rodney really had no interest in what they were doing, normally when he was around their jobs consisted of sticking hideously huge needles into him, pouting and waltzing off to tell Carson that the scientist was a complete idiot. It was nice to feel loved.

The male moved forwards, trying to avoid the gazes of the staff he passed and soon he reached Carson's office. Glancing inside he saw his friend staring at the computer screen in front of him, a hand reaching up and scrubbing at his face before moving backwards to run through his hair. The expression on his face clearly meant that good news was not on the cards.

"You know, you should probably stop looking for ways to save me, Carson." Carson jumped a couple of feet in the air as he spoke, and Rodney allowed himself a short moment of satisfaction at scaring his friend before continuing. "I think the overall idea of that machine is 'Ascend or Death', I doubt they'd include any clauses that say 'Scottish doctors can reverse said process by staring at a computer screen and cussing."

"Rodney!" The physician placed a hand over his heart, closing his eyes momentarily before opening them to glare at him. "What the hell do ye think you're playing at? Jumping out at me. Shouldn't ye be with, Colonel Sheppard?" McKay decided to ignore the fact that his friend had readily ignored the idea of just giving up on him, that wasn't Carson's way. He would do his best to try and save him, just like he did with every other patient that ever came into his care. He was a brilliant man, and not too bad a doctor if Rodney had to be brutally honest.

"Firstly, I didn't jump out at you. In fact, I don't think I've moved from here! Secondly, I was with Sheppard until I decided that this is a complete waste of time and there are other things I could be spending my time doing. Who wants to spend their last few days sitting in a room going 'ohm'?" He managed to gain a smile from Carson, before his friend pushed his chair back from the computer and stood up.

"What are ye doing here, Rodney? I wouldn't have thought you'd want tae spend any more time than necessary in here." Rodney took a deep breath, trying to get his emotions in check when he felt a pang of terror at the thought of never hearing that Scottish brogue again. Carson had wormed his way into his heart during the years they'd been working together and the idea of not seeing him, stepping through the 'gate and seeing him ready with his medical team in case they'd got hurt was horrible. Yes, he'd miss everyone else…if, indeed, he was capable of missing people wherever he'd go when he died.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'll need you to meet me on the South Pier in twenty minutes. No excuses." With that he turned on his heel and left the infirmary as quickly as was humanly (or super-humanly now) possible. He didn't want to give any more details to his friend, just wanted him to be there and for him to be able to say goodbye. From behind him he thought he heard Carson calling his name after him, followed by a quiet 'sure', but he ignored it and headed into the corridors again. He'd already set everything up beforehand and now all that mattered was getting there before Carson and enjoying some quality time with his best friend. Because, no matter how often he tried to deny it he was forced to realise that Carson Beckett was one of his best friends.

_I won't let you fly, I won't say goodbye._

_I won't let you slip away from me_

Carson had to admit that Rodney's request had caused his curiosity to run away with him, whilst he'd been trying to focus on the work he wanted to try and complete…well, it was another attempt at trying to reverse the process that the Ancient machine had begun within Rodney, his mind had drifted off into thought about what could possible be waiting for him in twenty minutes. He wasn't entirely sure what Rodney had meant by 'other things I could be doing', but if the stories he'd been partially hearing from the nurses were anything to go by it was his scientist friend's attempt at being nice.

According to the gossip flying round the Infirmary Rodney had already visited Teyla, complete with tea set, hugged Ronon and spoken to Elizabeth (reports were sketchy, but some people were saying he'd written her a novel). Whilst many would think this was severely out of character for the physicist, Carson knew that it was just Rodney's attempt at getting rid of everything he felt badly about. He wanted to make amends for all those wrong decisions, because deep down Rodney was human, he might try and deny it but that man could be loving and caring when he wanted to be. Most of the time, he just didn't want to be.

The city was not particularly busy, just as it normally was on a late afternoon but you could sense a tension in the air. The whole populous, heck, maybe even the city itself, was terrified about losing their most brilliant scientist. Yes, people moaned and groaned about Rodney McKay, saying he was egotistical, obnoxious and weak but somehow people warmed to him. Or maybe they liked the idea of having someone around who could pull your ass out of the fire at the last moment. For whatever reason people wanted him to live and so they were praying or working towards finding an answer. If only Rodney knew how much these people cared about him.

With a slight sigh the Scot carried on his journey towards the South Pier, nodding as he passed a small gaggle of scientists all talking too intently to notice him. Eventually he reached the last door, swiped his hand across the crystals to the side of it and smiling as it whooshed open to reveal the usual beautiful sight of the ocean spreading out just beyond the edge of Atlantis. The sun was still quite high in the sky and it cast its gold light onto the water below. Carson couldn't help but catch his breath at this awe taking sight every time, it was just too gorgeous for words.

However, something was different this time. He could see a shape at the edge of the pier, it looked like a person and they looked like they were sitting down, dangling their feet off the edge of the city. He moved forwards, staring curiously at the person before him. As he drew closer he recognised the slightly rounded shoulders and the thinning crop of brown hair, it was most definitely Rodney. Although he was still none the wiser as to what they were actually doing out here. If Rodney had wanted to say a pointless goodbye to him (seeing as they were not going to let him die in the first place!) then he could have done so in the infirmary. Why did he have to go to all this trouble?

Suddenly he stopped, merely five feet from his friend as he spotted two fishing rods and a box of bait. One rod was already bobbing in the water but the other was laid down next to Rodney. Carson could feel tears welling up in his eyes as he took in the sight, Rodney had gone through all this trouble to make sure that he had something memorable to remember him by. He blinked frantically, desperate to get rid of the treacherous tears that were already beginning to spill down his cheeks. A hand reached up and brushed them away and he took a moment to steal himself before he made his presence known by clearing his throat.

Rodney jumped, and Carson couldn't help but smile at the thought that he'd been able to get the scientist back for scaring him earlier, then his friend turned around and saw him.

"Rodney, what's all this about?" He asked, moving around and sitting down on the pier next to McKay. For a moment the scientist looked sheepish and it took a while before words lifted a strained silence between them.

"I know I've never made a lot of time for you, Carson. I'm not the best of friends, mainly because before this expedition I'd never needed to have friends." Once again silence fell as Rodney searched for the right words, Carson turned to gaze out at the ocean feeling his heart begin to break. He didn't want to have to say goodbye to Rodney, not yet. "But you…you, Sheppard, Teyla, Elizabeth even Atlantis' male answer to Xena have become friends…no…family to me, and I don't want to…die…knowing that I never tried. I know you like fishing and this way you can remember me as a friend rather than a hypochondriac nuisance." Out of the corner of his eye he could see Rodney turning to look at him, but it took a lot of effort to turn his own head to stare back at the scientist. Rodney had just opened himself up to him, shown his true colours and that had taken a lot. Carson smiled softly, trying to keep his emotions in check.

"This isn't 'goodbye', Rodney." Rodney scoffed loudly.

"Yes it is, Carson. Please, just let this be a chance for me to make up for all those stupid mistakes I've made…"

"No. I won't."

"What?" Rodney looked shocked, his blue eyes widened and Carson could see a momentary flash of hurt in those blue optics before the barriers came down.

"I won't let this be 'goodbye' or yer attempt to mend bridges, because, Rodney, those bridges were never broken or burnt." He waited a moment for the words to sink in "I will not give up on ye and if I can help it ye won't die anytime soon, right? You're a great lad, Rodney, and I need your whining occasionally." His smile returned, trying to lighten the mood. It took a moment but slowly his friend's body language changed, softened as Rodney tried to appear affronted.

"Excuse me, I do not whine! Whenever I come into your den of horrors I have a legitimate reason for being there."

"Of course ye do, lad. Aye, that'd be why ye turned up the other week with a splinter in yer finger claiming you'd broken it. How is that a legitimate medical problem, eh? Then demanding that I treat it."

"Well if you're bunch of voodoo hacks were capable of performing simple procedures maybe I would have more confidence in their abilities. However, every time I end up in that torture chamber you oversee your nurses keep on attacking me!" Carson had to stifle a laugh at this, mainly because even though he would vehemently defend his staff he was pretty sure that most of them would take any chance to 'accidentally' lose the vein when trying to place an IV in Rodney's arm.

"Oh, really now? My staff are incompetent. Is that a backhanded compliment, Dr McKay?"

"Well, I suppose it could be seen as that. But really I mean that you're the best of a bad bunch." Carson rolled his eyes at this, picking up his rod and placing bait on the hook. He was sure there were no fish in this part of the sea, or at least that they didn't come anywhere near the city, but it was the thought that counted.

"Gee, thanks, Rodney. Ye truly know how tae make a man feel loved." Expertly he cast his line into the ocean, his hands holding onto it and waiting for the simplest nudge that would signify a fish nibbling at the bait.

"Hmph." Was the only response he gained from Rodney, who had watched him sort out his rod with slight envy.

"Ye know, ye could have just bought me a drink." His voice was airy but Carson was worried about treading back into dark waters, he really didn't want to see that terrified, broken expression on Rodney's face ever again. His friend seemed to have accepted this fate even though there might be a chance he could be saved.

"What? And have another hideous rendition of '100 pipers'? I think not. I thought it was meant to be the Irish who were big drinkers, not the Scots?"

"'Ey? When did I sing…what…I don't remember that!" Rodney chuckled softly.

"It was the night you followed that new Lieutenant round like a sick puppy. Your attempts to kiss her under something you seemed to think was mistletoe were brilliant." Rodney's face had lit up as he took great delight in filling Carson in on this night he'd completely forgotten. Had he really been that drunk? It was entirely possible, especially if it had been preceded by an arrival by the Daedalus.

"You're making that up." Please let that be true. Please! He could already see the Lieutenant in his mind's eye and he would never be able to look her in the eye again if what Rodney was saying was true. Although that did make her actions towards him recently seem reasonable…the terrified looks and the hasty avoidance of any type of plant life when around him.

"Oh, I wish. But, alas I can remember it vividly." Carson whacked him in the arm playfully, laughing himself this time. Rodney clutched his arm and made a small perturbed and wounded sound, before hitting him back. The sounds of their laughter filled the air as they sat there, simply enjoying one another's company.

_Can you hear heaven crying_

_The tears of an Angel?_

The rows of suited soldiers and scientists were testament to how much people had loved him, despite what they may have said. He had been one of the most feared yet respected people in this entire expedition and now he was gone. They'd been so confident that they could save him and yet they'd failed, he had failed him. The entire gate room was full of people, the air thick with grief. All around him he could practically hear their hearts breaking as they stared at the coffin in front of the 'gate, a large flag draped across it.

Slowly he glanced to his left, his eyes falling on Teyla, her cheeks were stained with tears and yet she remained still, staring at the metal box before them. Ronon was as stoic as ever, but he allowed himself to believe that there was something different in his demeanour, a slight slouch as though he felt defeated. Next to him stood John, his face the perfect detached mask but he knew just how much he was hurting. After all, they'd both lost a good friend today. Taking a deep breath he turned away from them in time for Elizabeth to start the eulogy. Her voice was wrought with tears and no matter how hard she tried to contain them they were slipping through her defences.

He lowered his head, staring at the floor and trying to keep control of his own emotions. It was difficult, he wasn't practised at keeping a mask on his face, he didn't understand how to hold your emotions back from the rest of the world. If he was scared you knew it, unless he was in a professional situation, but now his entire being was in tatters and he wasn't going to be able to contain it. Hadn't been able to, so far.

"We are here today to say 'goodbye' to a very dear friend. Someone we all loved." The male took a shuddering breath, "He was a remarkable man, someone we shall all miss. No matter what was said about him, no matter how many times we may have thought ill of him we were always glad to have him there. He was a friend to us all and it will be impossible to replace him. He was unique, to say the least." He tried to smile, but instead all he managed was a grimace at the floor. "Rodney was a brilliant man, a brilliant scientist…" Elizabeth stopped suddenly and Carson raised his face to look at her, noting her pale complexion and the fresh tears beginning their descent down her cheeks.

The Scot took another deep breath and broke from the line, moving forwards, towards her and placing a hand on her arm. Grief-stricken eyes locked onto his and he managed the smallest, most fleeting smile before he turned to the assembly.

"Rodney McKay was not universally liked, I think we all know that. Yet, we were never slow to ask for his help or advice. Aye, we would moan about him but I'm sure ye all feel the same as me, when I say that I knew I could always depend on him. When the pressure was on it was always Rodney I turned tae, he was my best friend…" It was his turn to pause, feeling a hand reaching for his own and entwining with his. A comforting squeeze brought him back to the present, and he placed his free hand on the coffin next to him. "He was a great man, no matter what some may have said about him, and I know we'll all miss him." Once again he paused, his fingers almost stroking the soft material of the Canadian flag draped across the metal. Quietly he continued "Goodbye, Rodney. I'll miss ye…I…" Before he could say anything else the 'gate was dialling, it was time to take him home. God, he didn't want to see Jeannie's face, have to explain to her how her brother had died, how he'd failed him. He felt Elizabeth squeeze his hand once more before she moved away, numbly he grasped one of the metal handles of the coffin as the wormhole whooshed into life. A hand briefly squeezed his shoulder, he turned to see Ronon behind him, lifting the coffin with Radek behind him. On the other side John, Teyla and Major Lorne were grasping their own handles. For a moment Carson caught John's eyes, saw the pain within them and knew instantly how he was feeling.

As he turned to the front he heard the soldiers, as one, come to attention. Rodney would have mocked them all, saying they were simply robots in disguise for who else would have that level of discipline? Another smile danced swiftly across his lips as he heard Rodney's voice in his head, _'Seriously, Carson, stop being such a woman.'_ He lifted the coffin with the others and they began their slow walk towards the event horizon.

_'Don't worry about me, Carson. I'll see you soon.'_ Rodney's voice was as clear as day, but he fought the urge to look around because he knew that it was all in his head. His friend was dead, lying inside the coffin never to speak again. He would be buried back on Earth and no one would know of his many contributions to society.

_'Goodbye, Rodney.'_ He thought as he stepped into the event horizon, feeling it pull him apart into millions of tiny atoms.

_'Goodbye, Carson.'_ Rodney said.

_I'm here, don't you fear._

_Little one, don't let go!_

_Cover my eyes, cover my ears_

_Tell me these words are a lie._


End file.
